he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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