I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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