I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
