When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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