there's paper in my vomit.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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