my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
