I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
