I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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