Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
