you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
