I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
