what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
