Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
