i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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