Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
