Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
