Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
