My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
