Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
