Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
