38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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