I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
