I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
