there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
