Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Randomize
