Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
