You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
