Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
