I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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