my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
