I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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