There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
