is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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