she woke up with a sticky ear
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
