whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She even gives head with a lisp.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
