420 ftw
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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