I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
i am craving dick and cupcakes
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
