How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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