im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
