Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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