You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
