proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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