Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
