Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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