I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
