who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
