fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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