I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
