Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
