someone threw a dead crab at me
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
My ass is underappreciated
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
